Hello Darkness, My Old Friend…

I’ve been avoiding it, running scared. I’ve been resisting this particular collapse for quite some time but it’s finally caught up with me. It always does. Ultimately, there’s no escaping the lightning bolts of The Tower...

It hit as I was lying, lifeless, on my friend’s couch after a massive come down from some potent plant medicine. The devastation was total. The pain seared from my chest and tears streamed down my face. Finally, after coming face to face with all the pain I had been so desperately trying to avoid, I was left with an emptiness that consumed me.

You’d think the numbness would be welcome after all the pain but, in actuality, it was worse. Within the nothingness, The Darkness handed me one simple sentence: you can’t hide from yourself any more – it’s time to do the work. It had a point. I mean, honestly, when I looked in the mirror that night, I didn’t recognise my reflection. Hollow eyes, mascara streamed cheeks and slumped shoulders. There was no joy, no spark, no hope in that human being staring back at me. I was a shadow of who I knew I could be. The Darkness had me by the balls. Things had to shift.

It may surprise you to know that this is not my first rodeo. Rock bottom and I met previously a couple of years ago. My return was probably not a massive shock to anyone but me. I don’t know about you, but I always have to move towards change like the man on the right. I never move into changes surrendered, in faith or serenely. I have to be brought, by a metaphorical brick to the head, flailing into the fire. There will of course be warning signs. I will definitely have seen them. I will definitely have ignored them. Then I get myself into these situations where everything falls apart at the seams, where every area of your life crumbles and you’re left quaking in the devastation of it all.

This is The Tower in its essence. Cataclysmic change. The rug being pulled from beneath our feet. Though it feels as if our world has turned upside down overnight (and sometimes, The Tower does just that) it is usually a build up of avoidant energy. We know we need to change but actively avoid it until the universe gets fed up waiting for us to do something and change is forced upon us. The lightning crashes out of the sky, symbolic of divine intervention, and cracks us open. You can see the crown set alight in this depiction, which is symbolic of awakening. I liken it to a dam bursting open. It is often through a ‘Tower Moment’ that we move into the chrysalis of a dark night of the soul, which then leads towards the first stages of awakening. Ultimately, the purpose of The Tower is to enlighten, to remove anything that no longer serves us, to wipe the slate clean so that we are able to build upon solid ground. To allow us to transform through this darkness that surrounds us like a cocoon. And it truly is a cocoon.

The Tower is the sixteenth Major Arcana card and 16, when reduced, is the number 7, the number of the divine, reminding us that this is happening for us, not to us. Even though it never feels like it at the time. It feels like the world is ending, that we have been forsaken and we can often feel as if we don’t deserve what’s happening to us (I’m a good person! GIVE ME A BREAK we scream at the skies. No? Just me?). This is something I have always struggled with. It takes me a whole lot of hindsight before I can see the silver lining.

So, I’m starting from the ground up. When I say rock bottom, there’s no exaggeration there. I’m a 31-year-old who has the coping mechanisms of an eight-year-old, and the survival skills to boot. I have to start at the very beginning. I have to go back to basics. The day after the breakdown, I kept hearing the phrase “are you nurturing yourself?” floating round and round in my head. The answer was a resounding no. Not in any way, shape or form. No wonder life wasn’t looking the way I wanted it to. I wasn’t even giving myself a chance.

It’s not glamourous. It’s not even in its essence particularly “spiritual” but it is fucking necessary. How can I expect myself to thrive or grow or chase after a dream if I’m not providing myself with any nutrients, rest or moving my body. So fundamental yet so easily forgotten. I wanted more motivation and yet kept beating myself up because I couldn’t find it. How could I? I was always tired; I was always super emotional - I have been living in survival mode. It was a catch 22. The cycle perpetuated itself.

If our most basic of physiological needs do not get met, we cannot move onto any more expansive needs, such as creativity, confidence or achievement (check out Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs if you’re interested in learning more about this). Those more conceptual needs are where we thrive, but without that solid foundation we are barely even surviving. Believe me, I’m there.

I feel called to share with you, in real time, the ways in which I am trying to heal. To share my struggles and my darkness in the hope that you won’t feel so alone in yours. We all have shadow, we all have experienced our own Tower Moments, we all go through the depths of despair and the need to build from the ground up. We are relational creatures; we connect through stories and shared experience. It helps us to feel less alone. I truly believe that through sharing our truth, no matter how messy, we can ignite the desire to create change. And if I can change, anyone can.

So, for my ground up approach I’m going to be channelling the brilliant Dr. Rangan Chatterjee’s Feel Better in 5. His simple, actionable book works under the premise that, on the whole, we don’t make enough time for our mind, body or heart. He believes that spending just 5 minutes every day on each of these areas can cause a huge shift in our overall wellbeing. These shifts in our physiology give us the foundation we need to feel able to take action towards fulfilling our goals, dreams and desires.

I read it in an evening. I made notes. I wrote out each activity on a notebook that sits by my bed. I have timers on my phone. There are written prompts around the house ready to help me remember these new habits. With the birth of these small changes, a flicker of hope is beginning to return to that haunted reflection. 5 minutes you say? I can do that. Darkness, my old friend, don’t get too comfortable. You haven’t beaten me yet…

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You can hear an overview from the man himself on his podcast Feel Better, Live More #280 How To Make Lifestyle Changes That Will Last or grab his book if you feel inspired to!