There’s No Charm in Perfection
For the past couple of weeks, I have been wobbling along this thin wall between my light and shadow. My ego has been screaming like a banshee and I feel as if I have been unable to hear anything else. My thoughts have been spiralling out of alignment causing me to fall off into that thorny, angry hedge more times than I would like to admit. I find myself oscillating between sunshine and light and the devil inside. It has been, in a word, exhausting. The worst part? I feel the instinct to punish myself for the cuts and bruises I have acquired during this lack of alignment. As if, for some strange reason, I’m not allowed to fall short of perfection or have days where my ego leaps into the driver’s seat. That I should embody my lightness at all times – no excuses!
We can, like this figure, try to hide behind our flowers. I know I do. And that’s not to say that we don’t have flowers, we absolutely do! They are beautiful and worth carrying in our baskets and having on display for the rest of the world to see. But let’s not kid ourselves that we are only a garden of wildflowers. I have often felt as if it is only acceptable to embody light. That because I identify as spiritual, I must banish and hide my darkness. Pretend it doesn’t exist. “I’m only sweetness and light! Good vibes! Love and light people!” Well. Do you know what I’ve learnt? It is impossible to hide from your shadow. Or, indeed, hide it from someone else. You can run for a while, absolutely. You can try to drink it away, eat it away, shop it away, fuck it away but that only sates the beast for a short while. It pokes and prods at you until you pay it attention. It pulls at your skin like the thorns on the dark side of the wall.
The most challenging thing about this? When you refuse to shine a light on your darkness, it only serves to further separate you from your authenticity and, consequently, keeps you from connecting authentically with those close to you. The inability to be vulnerable and own our truth creates an invisible barrier between you and everyone else. It creates an energy of control, where we try to strategically manufacture a version of ourselves we want others to see. This is, if we’re honest, very rarely centred in truth. It is centred in fear. If we fear our shadow, we definitely fear other’s reactions to it.
This beautiful card reminds us to have grace amidst all of this internal chaos. And the chaos lives inside all of us. Inevitably, life is full of moments where we fall off that carefully paved wall and the polished façade we like to portray to the mirror, along with the rest of the world, comes crumbling down. This is when we need to extend ourselves the most grace. When we’ve let our triggers take hold of us, when our ego takes the reigns and sends our minds into a spiral. When we feel less than perfect and defeated by our humanness.
My experience of this metaphorical flagellation over the past couple of weeks has opened my mind to the potential of a new way of thinking about this intrinsic need for perceived “perfection.” I have decided that I am making it my mission to consciously be more authentic every day. To be honest about what I actually think, how I am actually feeling or coping (particularly if I’m not coping). To admit to myself when I am projecting my shadow (still a massive work in progress!) and sit with uncomfortable thoughts or dark feelings that well up inside and not berate myself for them. To greet them and be curious about where they are coming from. To know that life is a delicate tightrope and that it’s okay to fall off sometimes, as long as I get back up.
Fuck me it’s a battle. It goes against every habit and learnt behaviour I possess. I fall short constantly. Every day. Hell, every couple of hours! But, I am absolutely determined to get back up again each time I fall because I truly believe if we can be truthful and HUMAN we encourage others to feel safe enough to do the same. The facades can finally fade. If we can extend grace to ourselves for not being perfect, it can help others to allow themselves that gift. To be authentic even in the absence of receiving it in return? That, my friends, is the ultimate goal. To be so in alignment with who you are that you live by your truth regardless of what you receive back from expressing it. That is true grace. That is true authenticity.
I haven’t got it figured out, but then again, no one has. And what a beautiful meeting point for us all. Perfection is not attainable. Why pretend? There’s no charm in it anyway. Choose to give yourself grace.
